Adopted

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by TheKnight, Mar 18, 2017.

  1. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    That situation would never be materialized because the girl has met them several times in the past and considers them as her mom's friends. She would never accept them as her biological parents without going through a bad prolonged phase in her future life so it would be in her best interest to keep it from her. I know both the couples personally and firmly believe that they are living a perfect life so it should stay that way.
     
  2. Trixen

    Trixen New Member

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    I think they won't be angry at their adoptive parents, especially when they are loved. They will be angry at the situation they are in. The feeling that they don't belong. It is normal, and as a parent, you have to understand. In fact, it is this time that you have to assure them they are a part of the family.
     
  3. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I am kind of confused. I am unable to determine that just what is the right time to tell you adopted child that you're not our real child or you are not the one whom we gave birth to. Suppose a couple adopted a 40 days old child then when should they tell about their parenthood? I think a child is not mature enough before the age of 7-8 when they understand the meaning of parenthood or what does a real parent mean! Don't you think it's already too late by then or the couple should take the risk and go ahead?
     
  4. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    This is why it is best to tell them from infancy. It is traumatic to learn that your parents are not your biological parents if you find out later in life. It is all part of the learning curve of being a parent and teaching the child right from wrong. Not telling a child that you didn't give birth to them is a whopping lie. If you don't tell them, the child thinks that that parent gave birth to them or sired them. They can still be taught that a parent is the one who takes care of you, but flesh, blood and DNA are another thing altogether that every person has the right to know.
     
  5. janemarie

    janemarie Member

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    Most children ask at some point 'how did I come to be?' Maybe that is the time to tell them about the stork picking them up from the biological parents and bringing them to where they are now. So maybe to say the stork story would be best when the child is around 4 years perhaps?
     
  6. tony

    tony Active Member

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    At that stage where ultrasound is able to tell sex of the child I want to believe the child should have completed the first trimester of pregnancy. Why would a sane parents want to determine if the child lives or not just for the mere reason of the sex. Damn people could be so mean over babies, why the thought of abortion. Nobody have the right to terminate a child simply because of sex, in my opinion it is cruel and insensitive.
     
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  7. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    Like it or not but that's a fact that in a large part of world people terminate pregnancy based on sex of the child and that's one of the main reasons of the imbalance of sex ratio. The population of male is increasing in those parts of the world which is another factor of crime against women. But, I know it's hard to believe for people who are not aware of this discrimination.
     
  8. littlewitch66

    littlewitch66 Active Member

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    I can kind of understand a child being angry and hurt from having the truth kept from them but I also understand how terrifying it must be for the parents to think that one day they could lose their child if he or she should want to look for their biological parents.

    I still think it's best to be honest because it's natural to want to know where you came from, it's part of who you are. We have a programme which is shown in the UK called Long Lost Family where people can write in and ask for people they have lost touch with to be found. Quite a few of these are adopted children looking for their birth parents. In most cases where they are found the children keep in touch with their natural parents but sometimes they do not want to and they then realise what a privileged upbringing they had with their adoptive parents.
     
  9. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    It is cruel, illegal and inhuman but it's a reality in some countries. Children especially the girls are aborted as they are considered burden in certain societies. You would be surprised to know that if certain countries/societies have a bad male-female ratio it's due to this bad practice. Why, some of the tribes/casts considered their daughters which would bring shame to them and killed them as soon as they were born (then ultrasound was not invented).
     
  10. cmoneyspinner

    cmoneyspinner New Member

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    Unless the parents who adopted them treated them cruelly, abused them, or such like, an adopted child should never be angry with the people who adopted them. The people who adopted them, even though they are not their biological parents, deserve the same love, respect and honor. There was once a time (in the USA) when adopted children could never learn who they were until they were adults. The records were sealed.

    Link of Interest:
    When Should We Tell Our Child That He Was Adopted?
     
  11. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    You are right and that is true for western countries where people know the values of privacy. But think about those countries where adoption is not considered as your good deed but your inability to reproduction (which again is looked down). Most people that adopt a child relocate or hide the fact not only with their adopted child but try to keep it a secret with as many as possible. In most cases (in India) most children never know that their parents are not their biological parents.
     
  12. littlewitch66

    littlewitch66 Active Member

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    Over here it's quite different and some kids try to find their biological parents when they grow old enough usually with the consent of the adoptive parents. Most of them just want answers and still regard their adoptive parents as their mum and dad. I think I would be a little scared if an adopted child wanted to find their natural parents although I would never try to stop them.
     
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  13. cmoneyspinner

    cmoneyspinner New Member

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    I am very saddened to hear that. It is a blessing to be able to bear children. But it is an even greater blessing to be a loving and a compassionate human being. People should never be made to feel ashamed of their health.

    There is not a right versus wrong on this subject. Each situation has to be judged on a case-by-case basis.

    My friend adopted a child and as the child grew she discovered that he had inherited an illness passed on through the genes. She went through a lot to track down the child's biological parents. It was key to getting proper medical treatment for the child.

    I suspect that there are many children in this world who don't know they are adopted and they never will. Not unless they get Henry Louis Gates Jr. to do a DNA investigation. That's how L.L. Cool J. found out that his mom was adopted. But that's OK if they don't know. Ignorance is not always a bad thing.



    Back on point though. The question was about kids becoming angry at their parents if or when they find out they are adopted. Regarding this, I think there is clearly a right versus wrong on the matter. I think the child is WRONG! How dare they get angry?? Would they rather have grown up as an orphan or worse ... on the streets?
     
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  14. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I would like to answer your last statement first-
    "Back on point though. The question was about kids becoming angry at their parents if or when they find out they are adopted. Regarding this, I think there is clearly a right versus wrong on the matter. I think the child is WRONG! How dare they get angry?? Would they rather have grown up as an orphan or worse ... on the streets?"

    Or- would they like to die in their mothers' womb itself?
    Yes, that's also true in most cases of a girl child that gets killed because a girl is considered a burden in certain societies in many countries especially in Asia. The trend is going down fast or limited to illiterate or certain specific communities but there is lot to it then you would ever know. Read this first-
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_infanticide
    So if a couple assures a would be mother that they will adopt if a girl is born the mother goes on and gives birth (you know pregnancy test for confirming whether the child in womb is a boy or a girl is banned in India and if a doctor found doing this is barred from practicing and sent to jail but people still manage to find the sex of the child). I can write a book with at least 500 pages on this topic and still feel that there was so much more I could write.
     
  15. cmoneyspinner

    cmoneyspinner New Member

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    * * Oh my! This is the 21st century. There is no excuse for this kind of ignorance! The earth has existed long enough for people on one side of the planet to know that there are other real people who live on the other side of the planet. By this point in this history of mankind, are you telling me that there are human beings who still don't KNOW, UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that every human life is precious? You are breaking my heart!
     
  16. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    Are you telling me that there are human beings who still don't KNOW, UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that every human life is precious? You are breaking my heart![/QUOTE]
    Unfortunately that's true in certain rural areas where people still think a girl is a burden financially as they have to pay a large amount as dowry and in some communities the girl is supposed to bring shame to them as they will have to look down in front of her in-laws during her marriage time. In India these trends are fast becoming matter of past but this is also a reality that some cases are still reported from certain communities from certain specific areas, the number is very low though.
     
  17. cmoneyspinner

    cmoneyspinner New Member

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    I must say this has certainly been an eye-opening conversation. When I joined this community I never expected to have such a serious discussion. To be honest, I have watched some very disturbing documentaries on television about various practices, customs and traditions in India and other parts of the world, and their mistreatment of females and the way they are made to feel as if they are worthless. You have at least given me a little hope for the precious girls since you indicate that these trends are becoming a matter of past.
     
  18. iamawriter

    iamawriter Active Member

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    In the course of one's existence it is possible that the kid will learn about it from those other than who have adopted them. It is therefore advisable that they should hear it first from their adopted parents. With technology it is easy to get to the truth.
     
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  19. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    You have at least given me a little hope for the precious girls since you indicate that these trends are becoming a matter of past.[/QUOTE]

    On the other hand, the literacy rate of Indian women is going up all the time and you will be surprised to note that the chairpersons of almost all the Indian banking/financial sectors are women. More than 50% are women working in IT sector as top level software engineers. Almost all the BPO sector is run by the women. The women are among the toppers in Indian civil services . Indian air force has recently opened fighter pilots position for women, Indian army and navy, among the biggest armed forces in the world have started giving the field duties to women which was limited to medical and accounts departments until recently. The Indian women is already doing better than most women in the world barring a few communities and rural areas in our country.
     
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  20. cmoneyspinner

    cmoneyspinner New Member

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    Those are impressive accomplishments. But it indicates that those women were allowed to grow up and become women who could do these things. Since those women are in those positions, they should do whatever they can to reach those other young girls who may be in a life situation that won't allow them the opportunity. I remember people getting angry with and criticizing Oprah Winfrey, an American, for starting a school for girls in Africa. But I totally understood Ms. Winfrey's motivation. Women need to help each other.
     
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  21. mynameisshieldler

    mynameisshieldler New Member

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    Yeah, you might say that they don't have the right to got mad to their non-biological parents, but, it really depends on their own situation. Sometimes, the parent itself never treat their child right, we do not know... But still, I have to say that it depends. Really depends.
     
  22. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    I would like to add that if a child was destined to get killed in her mother's womb because they were unwanted in this world and then someone came forward and assured the mother to go ahead and give birth to the child and hand over child to them so that they will adopt them as their own child since they can't conceive in natural way. I think the child if told about such a biological parent would not get any pleasure out of it or knowing their real parents would do any good for them.
     
  23. Kieranlewix

    Kieranlewix Member

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    Honesty is just honesty. Lying to people in order to protect them or so as not to hurt them or any other excuse we use to justify ourselves, is not right. As parents, we've got to understand that lying to kids is just the same as them lying to us. I would understand why a parent would want to hide the fact that their child is adopted ,from the said child, but in my opinion, letting the child grow up not knowing it is vile and a failure on the side of the parent. Eventually, the truth always comes out.
     
  24. mynameisshieldler

    mynameisshieldler New Member

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    This is my point. I agree with you bro. I think, it is better to tell it already to the child in the first place because just like what you said, tha truth always come out.
     
  25. Mika

    Mika Active Member

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    Actually not telling a child about their adoption is no lying. How many of us keep telling their children that we gave you birth so if someone doesn't tell their children about adoption doesn't fall in the category of lying. A lie is what you tell them wrong so unless you are asked and you gave them wrong information is no way comes under lying.Besides the different societies have their own way of handling the situation.
     
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  26. Kieranlewix

    Kieranlewix Member

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    Your logic is very wrong Mika. Giving wrong information and withholding information both qualify as lying. When it comes to keeping a child's adoption a secret, that is probably one of the worst lies ever. A lie cements with time, and when the truth finally comes out, the lie, no matter how innocent it originally was, seems like the worst crime.
     

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